Guys, we need community!
And we desperately NEED other people!
And yes, we EVEN need people we disagree with or don’t necessarily share the same political, religious or mask-wearing/not-wearing views with.
In the history of humans, we desire interactions with other humans.
It’s who we are.
But here’s the deal:
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been in quarantine/under lockdown/following “Stay Home” orders for the past 60+ days, and unless we are working with others outside our home, many of us…most of us aren’t communing with others on a day-to-day basis like we used to anymore.
And this isn’t good. Not good at all.
But guess what we ARE doing?
You guessed it.
We’re going on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and we’re watching news that we sorta, kinda trust and consuming articles that very often only strengthen and very seldom challenge our own current views and stances.
And then guess what we’re doing?
You guessed it.
We’re feeling conviction. We’re feeling anger. We’re feeling sad and helpless. And in the midst of it all, a deep need to connect. We’re feeling the need to have a conversation. Both good ones and bad ones. We are human.
We are…feeling.
And…we are bored.
So what do we do?
Instead of picking up the phone or going outside on our front porch and having a friendly conversation six feet away from our neighbor and chatting openly and honestly about what we feel and think and have heard…
We click a button called “Share”.
We “repost” another person’s ideas that closely aligns with our own.
We throw our thoughts and ideas out there hoping for connection.
We hope for the best, but expect the worst.
We feel encouraged by those who agree and like our post.
We feel deflated and angry by the ones who argue and talk about their viewpoints that directly or indirectly go against our own.
We feel validated by those who agree with us and vindicated in never speaking to people who disagree with us again.
Even when those people are OUR FAMILY!
Even when those people are close friends we love.
Even when those people had never meant us no harm before this conversation, this post, this thread.
But now. Now they’ve gone and done it. It’s SO over!
Guys, we have become so incredibly polarized, haven’t we?
I truly believe “social distancing” is making us socially awkward.
But this was a problem long before these orders went into place.
This was a problem long before quarantined lockdown.
Being isolated just made it all that much more apparent and tangible.
Don’t you see it?
We have moved past the point of decent, human interaction into a state of isolated, angry chaos.
And here’s the kicker:
I don’t care what side of things you’re on, there’s one thing I do know: if you all came to my house and sat around a table together over good food and wine, you’d laugh off your differences and cherish the bond of your relationship more than the side you are on.
I guarantee it.
You would.
How do I know this?
This is ALMOST ALWAYS the case, Friend.
I can be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed very easily with someone if I have lost a regular connection with them. In my mind, I’ve conjured up all these ideas about what’s really going on, why they’re avoiding me, what I said the last time we were together, why they didn’t “like” my post or reply to my message and that they must not be interested in still being my friend…or maybe they never were?
You may be thinking, “Good grief! What a whack job!” Or, you may be laughing by this point because you can relate.
But here’s the thing…almost ALWAYS, once we reconnect and chat again — usually in person — I’m reminded of the close bond we have and realize that all of my foolish hypotheticals were just in my head. And even if there was some unresolved tension or situation that needed to be discussed and resolved, it doesn’t take long, in person, to rectify the wrong and resume our relationship in a much stronger place than it was before.
Just recently, for instance, before the Coronavirus hit us and threw us into an isolated state of crazy, I had been feeling a bit agitated and sad over a friendship that I felt had gone a bit south. This friend and I had shared a lot of beautiful memories together and I felt a true kinship with her. But life got busy. Our worlds separated a bit. Invitations didn’t get accepted. Calls didn’t get returned. And before I knew it, I was feeling, well, icky and hurt and confused. I dwelt on it a bit, griped about her unresponsiveness to myself, felt tempted to write her off…and then, finally, enough was enough. I got up the courage and finally texted her and said, “We need to talk.” When we talked on the phone that afternoon, my feelings spilled out and she immediately told me all that had been going on in her life and how badly she felt that she had been so distant, but that she really loved me and missed me. She apologized for her lack of attention to our friendship and assured me she meant no harm. We hashed it out, so to speak, and that day, we mended what could have otherwise been lost.
Two months after that cathartic phone call, this same friend’s mother died unexpectedly. When she texted to tell me the sad news, I immediately called her and we sat and cried together. I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live. I sincerely felt her pain. I ached with her. We bonded over our grief yet again. But I would have never ever been able to be that person for her and feel that deep connection, had I allowed the hurt I was feeling just two months before to create a wedge and sever our friendship. Never.
Guys, I speak from a place of a lot of past conflict — both real and in my head. Both deliberately intended and completely unintended. I have lived to experience a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, break-ups, distancing, and messed up situations that caused me to lose sleep over how someone allegedly treated me or how I allegedly treated them. It’s sad but true. And I’m almost positive I’m not alone.
But unlike many people I know who seem to just write people — even FAMILY MEMBERS — off, because of their differing views or annoying habits, or hurt feelings or misunderstandings, I have learned, over time and a lot of reflection and prayer, that none of this conflict, imagined or real, was ever worth the price of the relationship itself. Ever.
So, I challenge you. I challenge myself: Give up strife. Give up resentment. Give up anger.
You can feel passionate about something and take a stand. I feel passionate about a lot of things.
You can still disagree with someone and love them. Isn’t that what we’re called to do?
You can still hold onto your views. Heck, you can even feel very dignified in having them. You can vehemently disagree over some hot topics and laugh over coffee. It’s possible. People used to do it all the time.
Don’t you remember?
This inability to disagree and still be closely bonded in our relationships is, quite literally, killing us more than any virus ever could. We are feeling isolated, defeated, hatred, animosity, anger, and it’s all justified.
But no matter what side of things you indignantly stand on, the need to be right over kind never got anybody anywhere.
So, if the state of things is just really getting to you and you hate that you feel so isolated and angry, call up a friend and talk to them — either on the phone or from a distance. Work out your issues. Resolve the tension. Make peace with the people you love before it eats away at you.
I promise you’ll be glad you did.
“He who loves transgression loves strife: and he that exalteth his gate seeketh destruction.”
Proverbs 17:19